My summer vacation time is almost over. I do not like this at all. When I was trying to decide what my major of study would be, I decided on Elementary Teaching because anyone could teach to little people and I would have three months in the summer off. Well, that was in the late 70's and it is now 2008. We had just a little over two months this summer. NOT FAIR. I was not happy when the calendar was voted to have two full weeks at Christmas. That sucks big time. I get so bored then.
I am a person who has SSAD's. Subsyndromal seasonal affective disorder,a milder form of SAD,a mood disorder whose sufferers experience normal mental health throughout most of the year, but experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer, repeatedly, year after year, experienced by an estimated 14.3% vs. 6.1% of the U.S. population.[9]
The blue feeling experienced by both SAD and SSAD sufferers can usually be dampened or extinguished by exercise and increased outdoor activity, particularly on sunny days, resulting in increased solar exposure.
Last Winter I would come home from work and sit in the recliner from about 330 to whenever I would go to bed. I would eat potato chips, I mean big bag of potato chips or other types of foods like this.
Thank goodness there is a way to treat this disorder, some people make a climate change by moving, others use 'light therapy', then there is the use of anti-depressants for the duration of the 'non-sunny' days of winter, or a combination of all three if it is severe enough.
I was diagnosed this at the beginning of spring, 2008. I have always had issues with winter, but I started tanning through the winter months for the past several years almost daily. But the scare of skin cancer is in the back of my mind so the winter of 2008 I did not tan as much. This is when the symptoms became more and more obvious. It was only because I sought counseling for other issues in my life, aka SSDD stuff, that we discovered the SSAD I had. NOT DEPRESSION as we initially thought. Yes I have had issues that would cause depression, but nothing was going on in my life that would have created the depression.
I a slight case of the SSAD when we had an enormous amount of rainy days during spring. Winter has become a time I just really hate. I do not like the cold and I really do not like the dreariness of the days without sunshine.
So that is why I am not ready for my job to begin. I do not like the months of dreariness. The months without sunshine. I can see it in my students too. When the weather starts getting nice and the sun is shining! Wow watch out. It is nothing like the full moon............no sirreee....it is worse. You just have to love the sun though. I know if I would be in the time of worshiping of gods I definitely would be a SUN worshiper.
So enough for this day. I have other things to do besides dwell on the awful weather to come. It is a bright sunny day and I intend on being in it!!! Basking in all my glory...getting the smallest of tan lines I can.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Another SSDD
It seems as though each day would be filled with something new and exciting. Well, today I heard the same shit different day from my spouse. It seems there is always something hidden among the brain cells of a human.
It really is amazing how a person will just out and out lie when asked about something, just to keep from getting into trouble or have consequences for his/her actions. I have not figured this one out. I know as children it is something done quite often, but I would think as we get older those types of scape-goats would go away....or become less. Not in my case, I get the same lies on different days. Sometimes it is several days, even months...well, I really don't know if it is months when nothing happens, because of the lies.
I really hate lies. It is hard to trust someone who lies to you about stuff.
Oh well, this is my life. I guess I am just a sucker that people can lie to and get away with it. I am going to say enough is enough one of these days. I think today might be just that day. I do not have to be here. I can support myself and go about my life without any other people in it. I am very self-sufficient. It would be a bit different not having a person around. I am sure I would get use to it.
So that was my day today. I could not get out of my house quickly enough because of the lies that came spewing out of my spouse's mouth. Well, I guess what came spewing out were the truths, that he had been lying. So, I left for the lake, read my book for nearly 4 hours while basking in the sun.
I only have a few days left before I have to go back to work for another 9 months. I only have 7 years left before I can actually retire with full benefits. I will be only 56 years old. Young enough to do something else with my life. Maybe move to the Caribbean!!
Hope tomorrow will be bring me a day of no lies.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Wow! What a last few days!
Good day to whomever might read this blog.
I have just returned from a 2 day dive trip at Beaver Lake outside Eureka Springs, AR. The lake was up so much the visibility sucked. It was 5 - 7 feet for most areas. The water was warm for the most part; about 81 degrees first thermocline, a thin but distinct layer in a large body of water, such as an ocean or lake, in which temperature changes more rapidly with depth than it does in the layers above or below. So that made diving not too bad.
The dive for us, dave and I got separated from our other buddy. I was so scared. We waited topside for him for 45 mins. It was getting dark so we headed to shore making plans to call 9-1-1 for search and rescue squad. Our buddy was sitting with our dive flag, waiting for us. I had never been so scared about leaving someone behind, nor angry/relieved to see him alive. I could believe he was really dead, but you never know. Strange things happen when you cannot see underwater very well.
The next morning we planned a deeper dive. We had bought a new wet/dry 7 mil suit for me. I tried to wear in the water, but I could not breath. Dave thinks I woosed out! I know he does. He wanted me to be able to go deeper and see more things in the lakes. I have a 5 mil wet suit, so I put that on. I was able to go down to 44 ft. without freaking out too much. The temp at 44 ft. was 71 degrees or colder. I was so cold the first few seconds at that temp I just wanted to run. But I had already caused enough stresses for the guys I could not bring myself to woose out again.
We did have to cut the dive shorter than most because I was using a 50 size tank and not an 80; it does not hold as much air as an 80. I ran out of air before they did because of all the stressing out I had done with the other wet suit and when I first got cold. So the guys swam back at 10 ft then dropped me off at the shore. They continued diving for about 15 - 20 minutes longer. Long enough for me to get my gear undone and arranged to dry...no time for any rays though.
Friday night we had sausages patties on buns for supper. It was not bad, but I would have preferred something else. Late in the evening or early morning the raccoons partook of the cheetos and raw hamburger we had in the coolers and picnic baskets. I guess they are smart little critters who live in the woods. Luckily they have not learned to pop the tops of the beers or we would have been screwed. Drunken' raccoons just did not seem to be much fun to come across. So there went the next day's food.
We thought we might be able to get better viz at Table Rock dam. NOPE. It was flooded as much or more than Beaver. We did not even take the time to get the gear out. So we drove back to Beaver Lake. Two hours one way......stopped in Eureka Springs for a meal...then back to the lake for the last dive of this trip.
Last night, we were sitting around the camp when we heard thunder. It began to rain around 8 pm. So into the tents we went. We purchases an air mattress on legs to get me off the floor of the tent. It was great. However, for some reason we got water in our tent...not too much but still more than we should have. It rained most of the night.
While on this trip, I did hear from my friend, Bob. He wanted to know if my husband's band would be playing Sat. night. But alas we were in Beaver on a dive trip so he would not be playing. I guess he wanted to know what I was going also, not sure the message was a bit confusing. So I wrote back and explained I was diving at Beaver Lake. He then remembered I had sent him the information earlier. He still has not remembered my birthday. Shall we bet about this. I believe he will NEVER remember my birthday and only ask when he has his own, in March or April. One of those months. Or when someone he knows has a birthday. I am sure he will remember his 'girl'friend's name.
Gotta run. I think I am hungry. Take care.
Hope your life is less eventful than mine. If not, hang on.........you are in for a ride.
I have just returned from a 2 day dive trip at Beaver Lake outside Eureka Springs, AR. The lake was up so much the visibility sucked. It was 5 - 7 feet for most areas. The water was warm for the most part; about 81 degrees first thermocline, a thin but distinct layer in a large body of water, such as an ocean or lake, in which temperature changes more rapidly with depth than it does in the layers above or below. So that made diving not too bad.
The dive for us, dave and I got separated from our other buddy. I was so scared. We waited topside for him for 45 mins. It was getting dark so we headed to shore making plans to call 9-1-1 for search and rescue squad. Our buddy was sitting with our dive flag, waiting for us. I had never been so scared about leaving someone behind, nor angry/relieved to see him alive. I could believe he was really dead, but you never know. Strange things happen when you cannot see underwater very well.
The next morning we planned a deeper dive. We had bought a new wet/dry 7 mil suit for me. I tried to wear in the water, but I could not breath. Dave thinks I woosed out! I know he does. He wanted me to be able to go deeper and see more things in the lakes. I have a 5 mil wet suit, so I put that on. I was able to go down to 44 ft. without freaking out too much. The temp at 44 ft. was 71 degrees or colder. I was so cold the first few seconds at that temp I just wanted to run. But I had already caused enough stresses for the guys I could not bring myself to woose out again.
We did have to cut the dive shorter than most because I was using a 50 size tank and not an 80; it does not hold as much air as an 80. I ran out of air before they did because of all the stressing out I had done with the other wet suit and when I first got cold. So the guys swam back at 10 ft then dropped me off at the shore. They continued diving for about 15 - 20 minutes longer. Long enough for me to get my gear undone and arranged to dry...no time for any rays though.
Friday night we had sausages patties on buns for supper. It was not bad, but I would have preferred something else. Late in the evening or early morning the raccoons partook of the cheetos and raw hamburger we had in the coolers and picnic baskets. I guess they are smart little critters who live in the woods. Luckily they have not learned to pop the tops of the beers or we would have been screwed. Drunken' raccoons just did not seem to be much fun to come across. So there went the next day's food.
We thought we might be able to get better viz at Table Rock dam. NOPE. It was flooded as much or more than Beaver. We did not even take the time to get the gear out. So we drove back to Beaver Lake. Two hours one way......stopped in Eureka Springs for a meal...then back to the lake for the last dive of this trip.
Last night, we were sitting around the camp when we heard thunder. It began to rain around 8 pm. So into the tents we went. We purchases an air mattress on legs to get me off the floor of the tent. It was great. However, for some reason we got water in our tent...not too much but still more than we should have. It rained most of the night.
While on this trip, I did hear from my friend, Bob. He wanted to know if my husband's band would be playing Sat. night. But alas we were in Beaver on a dive trip so he would not be playing. I guess he wanted to know what I was going also, not sure the message was a bit confusing. So I wrote back and explained I was diving at Beaver Lake. He then remembered I had sent him the information earlier. He still has not remembered my birthday. Shall we bet about this. I believe he will NEVER remember my birthday and only ask when he has his own, in March or April. One of those months. Or when someone he knows has a birthday. I am sure he will remember his 'girl'friend's name.
Gotta run. I think I am hungry. Take care.
Hope your life is less eventful than mine. If not, hang on.........you are in for a ride.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
A Day without Stresses
Good day to all.
It was a good day for the most part. I finished my computer class work, my mother came to visit and brought my birthday gift, which was a hand blown crystal shot glass. Very very pretty. My husband left for a dive trip after riding a motorcycle 4850+ miles. I needed to be home because of my online college classes. I will take the final over the first set of information. :) Word 2007 easy stuff so far.
I have heard from my friend Bob. I just do not understand this man. He has written to me a couple times while being on the trip. He sent me emails when he had basically ignored me for months. I do not understand this.
I will try not to make any big deal over any of it. It will only cause me stress and today I had NO stresses. It was not a SSDD....things were different. I NEVER felt alone or bothered by the lack of compassion from my friend, Bob.
Take care to all. Very tired...cannot see the keyboard nor screen very well.
Good night.
It was a good day for the most part. I finished my computer class work, my mother came to visit and brought my birthday gift, which was a hand blown crystal shot glass. Very very pretty. My husband left for a dive trip after riding a motorcycle 4850+ miles. I needed to be home because of my online college classes. I will take the final over the first set of information. :) Word 2007 easy stuff so far.
I have heard from my friend Bob. I just do not understand this man. He has written to me a couple times while being on the trip. He sent me emails when he had basically ignored me for months. I do not understand this.
I will try not to make any big deal over any of it. It will only cause me stress and today I had NO stresses. It was not a SSDD....things were different. I NEVER felt alone or bothered by the lack of compassion from my friend, Bob.
Take care to all. Very tired...cannot see the keyboard nor screen very well.
Good night.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Day after July 4th, 2008
Good morning people.
It is July 5th 2008. I am in Salem, Oregon on the to Hwy 101 to ride along the west coast.
Once again I am stuck in the never ending circling of the SSDD. It seems my life is full of things that I create as being not real. At least this is what my husband says. He tells me I create things so I can be miserable. Well, I am not miserable. I am trying to be realistic.
A few years ago in 2005, I had a friend in life. I will call him, Bob. Bob, George, and I became very close. I had not had a real close friend that lived near me or I was around since I moved away from my very best friend Darylene. So, having two new, friends, Bob and George was a great feeling. Well, Bob and I had a falling out over something...not sure...because he just decided one day to not have much to do with me. As I wrote to him to find answers, he finally wrote back to tell me I had negative energy and he did not want to be around someone like this. Also, during this time Bob started hanging around with another lady, Jill. It took me a while to figure it out, but he is now interested in Jill.
Now, I never thought of myself as being a negative person. So this added more hurt to the already wounded heart. I continued to try to get some explanation from him. Tried talking..that did not work...tried emailing to him...that did not work...so I eventually gave up.
Out of the blue, August of 2007, almost 1.5 yrs later I get an email from him asking how I was and if I would like to go sailing with him. Several of my friends told me NO it will only be hurtful. Of course, not being a negative person....which I really am not, I decided it would be ok.
And it was. We got caught up on the stuff of the past year or so while we sailed around the lake. It was a nice time.
As the year turned into 2008 times seemed to be almost back to the way they were. We would get together for this or that, but I should have known the good times would come to an end.
June of 2008, I sensed a change in Bob. I thought it was me creating things again. Like my husband had told me. So I ignored the signs and went about my days.
Then one day I thought I would see what Bob was doing because I was going to be in his town. He told me was going to meet a couple of friends, Jean and Jill, her sister might be there. too. Well, that told me right there why my friend's behaviors had changed. It was not until later I found out that Jill had moved back to her other life, and was not out seeking male companionship from others. So she is now interested again in Bob.
Funny, I never thought of myself losing out to an airhead vacumm. Jill fits this decription well. You say, a airhead vacuum and there is not air in a vacumm. Oxymoron you say....well this particular person is just that. I believe she is such a fake.
So, here I sit frustrated because I have lost out again with Bob. But it is easier this time. I can see Bob for who he is and not feel badly about not being good enough for him...It is the other way around ... he is no longer good enough for me.
Oh I suppose I will be willing to be friends again after this all blows over. But I really do not foresee it to blow over. Since Jill will not be leaving her husband this time....but she will still need to be out and about. She and Bob will be able to see each other on the side once again.
SSDD............have a nice day.
It is July 5th 2008. I am in Salem, Oregon on the to Hwy 101 to ride along the west coast.
Once again I am stuck in the never ending circling of the SSDD. It seems my life is full of things that I create as being not real. At least this is what my husband says. He tells me I create things so I can be miserable. Well, I am not miserable. I am trying to be realistic.
A few years ago in 2005, I had a friend in life. I will call him, Bob. Bob, George, and I became very close. I had not had a real close friend that lived near me or I was around since I moved away from my very best friend Darylene. So, having two new, friends, Bob and George was a great feeling. Well, Bob and I had a falling out over something...not sure...because he just decided one day to not have much to do with me. As I wrote to him to find answers, he finally wrote back to tell me I had negative energy and he did not want to be around someone like this. Also, during this time Bob started hanging around with another lady, Jill. It took me a while to figure it out, but he is now interested in Jill.
Now, I never thought of myself as being a negative person. So this added more hurt to the already wounded heart. I continued to try to get some explanation from him. Tried talking..that did not work...tried emailing to him...that did not work...so I eventually gave up.
Out of the blue, August of 2007, almost 1.5 yrs later I get an email from him asking how I was and if I would like to go sailing with him. Several of my friends told me NO it will only be hurtful. Of course, not being a negative person....which I really am not, I decided it would be ok.
And it was. We got caught up on the stuff of the past year or so while we sailed around the lake. It was a nice time.
As the year turned into 2008 times seemed to be almost back to the way they were. We would get together for this or that, but I should have known the good times would come to an end.
June of 2008, I sensed a change in Bob. I thought it was me creating things again. Like my husband had told me. So I ignored the signs and went about my days.
Then one day I thought I would see what Bob was doing because I was going to be in his town. He told me was going to meet a couple of friends, Jean and Jill, her sister might be there. too. Well, that told me right there why my friend's behaviors had changed. It was not until later I found out that Jill had moved back to her other life, and was not out seeking male companionship from others. So she is now interested again in Bob.
Funny, I never thought of myself losing out to an airhead vacumm. Jill fits this decription well. You say, a airhead vacuum and there is not air in a vacumm. Oxymoron you say....well this particular person is just that. I believe she is such a fake.
So, here I sit frustrated because I have lost out again with Bob. But it is easier this time. I can see Bob for who he is and not feel badly about not being good enough for him...It is the other way around ... he is no longer good enough for me.
Oh I suppose I will be willing to be friends again after this all blows over. But I really do not foresee it to blow over. Since Jill will not be leaving her husband this time....but she will still need to be out and about. She and Bob will be able to see each other on the side once again.
SSDD............have a nice day.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
S.S.D.D.
Have you ever been stuck in a rut? You know Same Shit Different Day?
Well, I have. It seems not matter what I do, the same shit happens. May not be with the same people, but it still happens.
One example: I have been trying to take off the few pounds I put on in the last year. Frustration has hit. No matter what I seem to do, the body just does not want to respond.
However, my spouse says he does not think I need to lose weight just tone up...he is supportive when I try, yet is happy when I stop bitching about it. I only give up for a few days then try to get back into it. So you see there is the SSDD....all over again. :0)
I do not make New Year Resolutions. I make short and long term goals throughout the year. I have always done this. If I do not have goals, there is no reason to get out of bed.
So today feels like a SSDD day. Tomorrow will be a new day. But the YMCA is basically closed so I cannot workout...then on Tuesday I have to go back to work...yuck!! But I just think about the long term goal of "it is over at the end of MAY!!". That is what keeps me going sometimes. Just the thought of not working for 2.5 months of the summer. :0)
The Y will be open on Tuesday, just have to workout in the PM. :0) Tanning helps keep me sane also during the winter months.
Pleasant happenings to those who have made it to the beginnning of a new year. I am really surprised I am here to see it. Lately the SSDD's have been too close together causing major emotional roller coasters.
This has been the ramblings for Dec. 31, 2006 11:56 pm
Happy New Year!!!
Well, I have. It seems not matter what I do, the same shit happens. May not be with the same people, but it still happens.
One example: I have been trying to take off the few pounds I put on in the last year. Frustration has hit. No matter what I seem to do, the body just does not want to respond.
However, my spouse says he does not think I need to lose weight just tone up...he is supportive when I try, yet is happy when I stop bitching about it. I only give up for a few days then try to get back into it. So you see there is the SSDD....all over again. :0)
I do not make New Year Resolutions. I make short and long term goals throughout the year. I have always done this. If I do not have goals, there is no reason to get out of bed.
So today feels like a SSDD day. Tomorrow will be a new day. But the YMCA is basically closed so I cannot workout...then on Tuesday I have to go back to work...yuck!! But I just think about the long term goal of "it is over at the end of MAY!!". That is what keeps me going sometimes. Just the thought of not working for 2.5 months of the summer. :0)
The Y will be open on Tuesday, just have to workout in the PM. :0) Tanning helps keep me sane also during the winter months.
Pleasant happenings to those who have made it to the beginnning of a new year. I am really surprised I am here to see it. Lately the SSDD's have been too close together causing major emotional roller coasters.
This has been the ramblings for Dec. 31, 2006 11:56 pm
Happy New Year!!!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Do We Pick Friends?
Have you ever thought about how you become friends with someone? There are people in the world who are just good friend material. Then there are the people who seem to be good friend material, but are not.
Let me explain. I have not had a lot of close friends in my life. That is because I have been very picky with whom I consider friends and let close to me. Five years ago I started a new job. With all new jobs there are new people you meet. In this set of people was a person with whom I KNEW I should not be around. He would be bad news for me.
I was able to avoid too much contact with him. No, I was not rude. I associated with the guy, but knew I did not want to spend too much time with him. However, 4 years ago this guy walked into my office area just to say hello.
I was so flattered that he was actually interested in me, I let the barriers down. BIG mistake on my part. It was a good relationship. We have lots of fun, laughs, and shared many things like good friends do. Along with this friendship several other good relationships sprouted.
But like all good things, there has to be a downer. I began to question his comittment to our friendhsip. I began to see a person I did not understand. I realized I was not his only "good" female friend. This hurt me very deeply. We shared so much...now I was seeing I was no one special.
Everyone likes to think they are the only one who shares ceertain special things with people. They want to feel they are truly extra special. However, I have come to realized he was not willing to be the kind of friend. Sharing these issues began the deterioration of our friendship quickly.
This guy who once shared things, his life outside work, his hopes, his dreams, and some of his sorrows seems to have decided I am not worthy of being his friend. This has been very hard to accept. I am not saying I did not contribute to the demise of this friendship, but I tried to fix it. Something has happened that he no longer wants to be good friends with me. I
In my opinion, it is his Game with only one set of rules! Life is too short to spend trying to beat a dead horse. Sometimes you go through several bats trying to bring it back to life. But if it is dead, it is dead.
I must move on. "Friends don't treat friends like this!"
BUT what are your thoughts? Do we pick our friends or do they pick us?
Let me explain. I have not had a lot of close friends in my life. That is because I have been very picky with whom I consider friends and let close to me. Five years ago I started a new job. With all new jobs there are new people you meet. In this set of people was a person with whom I KNEW I should not be around. He would be bad news for me.
I was able to avoid too much contact with him. No, I was not rude. I associated with the guy, but knew I did not want to spend too much time with him. However, 4 years ago this guy walked into my office area just to say hello.
I was so flattered that he was actually interested in me, I let the barriers down. BIG mistake on my part. It was a good relationship. We have lots of fun, laughs, and shared many things like good friends do. Along with this friendship several other good relationships sprouted.
But like all good things, there has to be a downer. I began to question his comittment to our friendhsip. I began to see a person I did not understand. I realized I was not his only "good" female friend. This hurt me very deeply. We shared so much...now I was seeing I was no one special.
Everyone likes to think they are the only one who shares ceertain special things with people. They want to feel they are truly extra special. However, I have come to realized he was not willing to be the kind of friend. Sharing these issues began the deterioration of our friendship quickly.
This guy who once shared things, his life outside work, his hopes, his dreams, and some of his sorrows seems to have decided I am not worthy of being his friend. This has been very hard to accept. I am not saying I did not contribute to the demise of this friendship, but I tried to fix it. Something has happened that he no longer wants to be good friends with me. I
In my opinion, it is his Game with only one set of rules! Life is too short to spend trying to beat a dead horse. Sometimes you go through several bats trying to bring it back to life. But if it is dead, it is dead.
I must move on. "Friends don't treat friends like this!"
BUT what are your thoughts? Do we pick our friends or do they pick us?
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